Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
