I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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