I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just pynch a tree in the face
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
