it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
