found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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