oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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