i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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