I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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