make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
