just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Found the puke drawer
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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