it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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