You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
