tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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