I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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