vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Are these your boobs on my camera?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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