wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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