I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
