I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
