I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
A+ Viking dick
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
