you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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