I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
