I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We named our party play list daddy issues
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
