These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
