Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
