I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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