she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
