why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
