The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
