you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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