Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
