I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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