I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
