Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
