I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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