I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
