for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
