chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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