Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
