I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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