I wish I could punch you in the face.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
