I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
