I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
