She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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