Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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