umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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