I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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