if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
