I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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