see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
