I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You're a waste of cheezeits
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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