So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
