You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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