in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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