Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
