i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
