If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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