Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
