people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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