He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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