if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
